sar budapest hotel


Ok i just watched Grand Budapest Hotel from my local box, redbox. this movie was very refreshing, which you might think is a contradiction because wes andersons movies are all inbred and homogenized at this point, which is true…. but his inbred homogenized shit is still refreshing because i guess not enough people have ripped him off yet, possibly because his ideas aren’t that good. his shit ain’t matrix caliber, let’s put it that way. despite this, i will still look forward to mr. anderson’s new shit (pun intented hehe).

his last one sucked my nuts because it’s emotional crutch rested on terrible child actors. and i think the one before that sucked too, the train one. BUT, this one is the shit. it’s just so pleasurable to watch, it’s a little trite but who gives a fuck. one thing i will say is that it’s the actors and the writing that made this movie good. NOT the directing. the directing is stupid. BUT, let me contradict myself, anderson’s call to have the actors speak in their natural accent and disregard that aspect of their character within history was… the total shit, money. so dope. good stuff. hmm, ok one thing i found interesting is that this is one of the few movies i’ve seen downplay nazis as badguys, not even nessicarily humanize them, just downplay them… and there is a timeline to this and it does ‘pay off’ in a respect: the nazis eventually start dressing in black, and that’s when they are ‘real bad guys’, they have an ‘ark’ if you will (pun intended). so that whole aspect of the movie was wierd, i don’t know what to think. i mean on one end of the spectrum you have the tried and true nazis as classical badguys a la Raiders of the Lost Ark. which is still borderline disrespectful to history if you think about it, um don’t get me wrong. that’s my favorite movie, maybe that’s why speilberg made shindler’s list, though, to balance the scales. and then with this movie… it’s just feels weird to have cartoony nazis through the whole thing and then have them get mean for real and dress in black in the last 5 minutes and do their thing that we all know nazis do.

wes anderson’s movies have tended to lend themselves to the long standing critique: “style over substance”. First, ‘style over substance’ is the stupidest shit i’ve ever heard. not only is it a contradiciton in itself, but it’s just a really really stupid thing to say, it will instantly prove your stupid if you say it, ever. They’re the same thing, or at least bound intrinsically i. e. you can’t change one without changing the other. basically, the’re the same thing. i’ll give you one example, not a wes anderson one… ALIEN 3. directed by my boy David Fincher, who has faced the ‘style over substance’ thing before, this was his first movie after getting started with music videos and he was so good from the start that people were fucking with him saying ‘style over substance’… when actually it’s like, no, are you fucking stupid, this is the dawn of our generations greatest professional director. Substance? your talking about substance? note: he’s not our greatest director flat, just professional. the director flat would go to someone who is a lazy genius with more of an auteur vision than just being classically the best. that person is Tarantino.

anyway that was a big separate thing, but this movie does have substance. the substance is actually great. let me put it this way, if your movie implies a mythology, then you are safe on the substance part. Budapest Hotel totally does that. It’s really really good. what can I say. not as good as Titanic or Braveheart, but still pretty damn good.

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I watched Frozen.  Bonus is I saw it with my roommates kid so it’s not like I was an adult watching a cartoon for children by myself or anything.  cartoons for kids are one of the last nooks in Hollywood that hasn’t been tainted by Kurtzman and Orci, the two worst writers of all time except for Peter Travers.  It’s a place in the shadows that I can find solace.

I’m kinda looking forward to when princess movies can get back having it be ok for the princess to be rescued by prince.  Frozen is right on the cusp of this timeline of post modern reactionary princesses, which is cool but because it’s on the crest of this arc of more independent princess characterization, that is, it’s one of the first of this ‘new wave’, so it’s really smug and self-back patting.  which, smugness is a natural phase on the path to enlightenment, just look at all the first-trimester Buddhists out there. so I can’t hate.

trying to make a princess realistic doesn’t really work when it’s a fantasy world that is super simplified for purposes of I dunno symbolism or something, like the variables of the world are very tight and controlled, you have a castle beneath a mountain, etc.  For example, this isn’t like say, Game of Thrones.  I think it would be easier to make the princess realistic if she had to go to school every day and develop affinity for specific skills to apply in the real world, like Liam Neisen in Taken.  But that would be stupid.  Good thing Frozen didn’t do that.

one thing I really liked about this movie was that I had no idea what was going to happen next, ever.  Come to find out that’s because Disney is digging so deep into the backlogs of fairy tales that they are getting to the stuff I’ve never heard of.  This is from a Hans Christian Anderson story, complete with parental death etc.  The parents die kinda quick and weird in this movie, in the fairy tale equivalent of a ‘car crash’, which is kind of an overused trope at this point but who the fuck cares, off screen car crash death serves it’s purpose so whatever.

There’s no sense of time passing in this movie, even though a lot of time passes.  The girls spend their whole childhood isolated from the world and each other in a very weird decree from their parents, who then die off screen and anti climactically in a car crash.  And when the endless winter happens, everyone is all worried about this endless winter but I’m like, wait, didn’t the endless winter just start five minutes ago?  It all serves to make the movie less epic, I don’t know how the filmmakers could fix that, though.  They did the best with the source material that they could.  I think it’s Hans Christian Anderson’s fault.  That guy was an idiot.  He never wrote anything as good as Game of Thrones in his whole life.  Winter is Coming, Hans, you are not my boy.  I hope you and Peter Travers die in a footnote car crash.  Disney has adapted Game of Thrones-esque material btw, Lion King is based on Hamlet and DOES feel epic with it’s passing of time and stakes and power play etc.  that movie has too many songs that go on too long, though, so I can’t get through it anymore.

The songs in Frozen are dope as fuck.


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12 years a Slave

Just watched 12 years a slave. it won best picture. the actress Lupita Nyong’o won for best supporting actress and people magazine just declared her the worlds hottest chick, which you can’t really argue, see?

 Lupita Nyong?o

Movies like this, if you aren’t thinking about them the next day, then they’ve failed. And I did think a lot about this movie the next day. Not as much as Braveheart or Titanic, but that’s to be expected. This movie has absolutely zero story crutches to fall back on, tricks to up the intrigue etc. It’s episodic and based on a book that i suspect it’s purpose was to document rather than entertain. it has a ‘then this, then this, then this’ feel, and our main guy Solomon is never in control of what happens which is generally a dramatic no no, all this would be boring if the actors weren’t all freaking ridiculous. Like, the story is guy gets sold to slavery, goes through a bunch of shit and the main intrigue the entire time is when is he gonna get out of it, when is the 12 years up? then he gets free and that’s it. But his character, and his face. Chiwetel Ijiofor is the guys name. He has a super awesome face. This movie succeeds in being interesting and worthwhile for a reason involving him I’ll get to in a sec. And Fassbender, who is getting more and more famous and rightly so, is just ridonk. He’s not a mustache twirling plantaition dandy, he’s very important to the movie’s success, his take on the character and the acting chops he brought to it. He doesn’t flicker his eyes when he’s giving a reaction shot, reading the other actors face, he just gives a dead stare, that’s not the character, that’s fassbender, being a boss. anyway, he’s one of the reasons the movie works .

But 12 years a slave is most interesting because of this idea of making a movie about a man who is never in control of his own fate. He doesn’t control one thing that happens the entire movie. That makes 12 years a slave one of a kind and an interesting dramatical experiment, like maybe it’s almost like a Greek Gods type thing?  I dunno. The focus and intrigue is more just on how Solomon deals with all the shit. His posture changes, so do his tactics. It’s the movies priorities, they are very original and kind of awesome.

Last thing is there are at least two conversations that I can remember that were just really really good. I’m tempted to watch the movie again because the dialogue is all pretty great, the people all have interesting perspective and are saying some pretty interesting things. I think because the movie is structured so simply with this focus on Solomon in spite of his complete lack of power, it’s like an existentialist fable, the filmmakers can shamelessly fit in philosophical, almost shakespearian conversation to the point of being heavy handed, which compliments the subtler elements of the story well. combine all that with the actual filmmaking itself, which my only complaint is that sometimes it’s too good and gets distracting, it’s a pretty one of a kind movie is the best thing I can say about it.

You kinda gotta dig deep to find things about the movie to be enthralled with but I think that is healthy, it actually makes the experience more interactive with a give and take between the viewer and the movie. Movies used to always expect that but things have sort of changed. So i guess i appreciate not being spoon-fed my entertainment. this movie is fun to think about.


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‘Merican Psycho/Hustle


I watched American Hustle, it’s the second ‘American (insert any word here)’ movie that Christian Bale has made. I lasted the whole way through it because I was with my roommate and didn’t want to lose face by absconding to my basement to review text messages from the day.  The end result is he was not offended and I lost two hours of my life.  At least it had a happy ending so I could get all stoked at the end of the movie.  Sad endings suck my nuts and you just can’t trust these ‘based on a true story’ movies with happy endings because of entropy and stuff like that. Nobody dies in this movie, though. I only mention it because that woulda made it better, if everyone would just drop dead.

So the plot of the movie is that Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper want to see who is the best actor so they start yuckin it up but in the end it turns out Amy Adams is prolly better than both of them, well, she’s at least hotter than both of them, at least in this movie, at least in most of the scenes… some of the scenes.  Christian bale is stiff competition for hotness in this movie, he gained like 40 pounds for the role by eating bacon, but his neck is still thinner than his chin so fuck him.  He shoulda pounded some peptides, suppository style.

I feel like parts of this movie were ad-libbed because I think Jennifer Lawrence drops a reference that isn’t supposed to exist yet in the 70‘s: Power Rangers or Ghost Busters or something. If you can spot the ad-libs then they ain’t good ad-libs methinks. Bradley Cooper had the best ad-libs, though, so I guess he wins that battle. I don’t think Christian Bale ad libbed anything, maybe that’s just his style. If he did ad lib something it means he tricked me so good for him that’s a good ad lib. Good job, Christian.

There was one pretty sweet thing about this movie. Christian Bale’s character, he’s a con man and his main dealio is to deny people so they want his services more. He keeps doing that through the entire movie, even when it makes little to no sense. it’s almost like it’s his characters go to reaction, to just be a naysayer. So THEN, at the very end there is a cool payoff with this tactic, because by then you’ve forgotten that that’s what he’s all about and instead you just annoyed at all his naysaying. And this will be the final straw of naysaying, you think. but no, he’s playing some fool out of nowhere like a champ. Happy ending.

The thing about con movies and heist movies is that they usually build to a cool climax, but the whole movie building up to it is stupid as fuck. That is also the case with American Hustle.

In conclusion I hate the 70‘s.  I’ve done lots of cross referencing to isolate variables in a complicated situation and concluded objectively that the 70’s suck my nuts.  Better than Travers.


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wolf of wallstreet and some like it blue


Three hour movies are so dope in an age when most movies are just a stupid 90 minutes. Damn general populace is ruining everything for everyone by running out of ridilin halfway through the movie. No matter what, three hour movies feel pretty epic even if they don’t feature armies charging. Movies like Ichi the Killer, Noriko’s Dinner Table, and of course Titanic. One of the cool things about three hour long movies is they have enough space to breath and go on tangents if they want to.

I recently watched two three hour movies: Wolf of Wallstreet and Blue is the Warmest Color aka Some Like it Blue. These movies are super dope, and neither features armies charging. I only made it through 90 minutes of each before I got bored but they are super dope and add up two one full three hour movie.

The first 90 minutes of Some Like it Blue is basically a close up of this weird looking french girl who is for some reason incredibly smoking hot with buck teeth and messy hair. You get to see her eat spagetti and read literature aloud in class, and it’s super dope because she’s a smoking babe. Oh yeah and this is a gay movie so she pounds some lesbian ass. Peter Travers can suck my nuts.

The first 90 minutes of Wolf were really entertaining and my boy Leo is good stuff. He’s a really good actor because his own ego never fucks the scenes up. Like one time I saw Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in a scene together and they were both trying to ‘out badass’ each other and it was so stupid. Deniro and Pacino do the same thing in Heat. Leo has no problem being out badassed if the scene calls for it, as it does in a scene with Mathew Machonohey. Also his acting is really good pertaining to his relationships with the women in the movie. He’ll have such a sweet look of longing, so charming and endearing, the same look that worked to get him laid all thoughtfully in The Departed, could even be the look that got him famous in general, but then the voice over of his thoughts will say ‘I gotta figure out how to bang this girl’. That juxtaposition is pretty funny. Wolf is sort of a comedy but it’s not so much laugh out loud as just constantly entertaining, and there are some great one liners. And some really good readings of the one liners by various actors including my boy leo like, ‘she, the dutchess, me, her handsome duke’. what a ridiculous line i’m stoked he read that shit without trying to make it sound cool, he keeps it as cheesy as it should be, no ego. he’s better than dame judi dench, probably, probably better than all the dames.

Anyway, too bad I got bored so now I don’t know what happens. As it stands all I know is that weird hot french girl is in love and super happy and stoked on life and Leo is rich as fuck and super stoked and happy on life.  I mixed those movies like a black-and-tan and it tasted sweet.  I’m the best critic.


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ju-on and japanese horror

the japs are all about the ghost story.  America thinks ghosts are stupid thanks to Scooby doo, but they aren’t. ghosts are so much better than zombies.  zombies are so stupid.  I scoff at teeny bopper zombie lovers.  America is all about the zombies, I scoff at you.  America has ghost stories too but they mostly suck.  insidious was good.  the japs take their ghost stories seriously though because of one special rule that for some reason America never adopted (except with Japanese remakes like the ring, a great movie): if you see a ghost, you become a ghost… you die.  the stakes are really high and it’s scary in the way that gives you nightmares because of it’s simplicity, if you see a ghost, you’re already dead.

ju-on is perhaps the best gateway movie to Japanese ghost stories for the uninitiated, partly because it’s one of the first, at least to reach america, and in that respect I give it a high recommendation.  It’s structured, almost ironically, after an old American classic: Psycho.  basically there is a cycle of killing that will seemingly never stop.  I’m gonna drop a spoiler bomb here but it’s good to know.  Because my mal-adjusted expectations fucked the movie up for me at end.  so I can help align expectations with this spoiler: the cycle doesn’t stop.  this isn’t an American movie where everything is wrapped up at the end.  thanks hitchcock for that… psyche!  you screwed my expectations up you bastard I thought the cycle would end and it didn’t.  you suck.

ju-on is scary and super entertaining, can you ask for more? it’s also fun to break down the ghost logic and decipher the out-of-order story that is told in overlapping sub stories.  there  is some damn good ghost logic in this movie.  there’s some ghost time travel vision shit, a stock ghost rule invented by Charles dickens back in the day with that scrooge guy… it’s good stuff.

pulse is another great Japanese ghost story, also eventually remade and severely castrated by zombie lovin, happy ending lovin americans.  And the American remake of The Ring is freaking great, even though it has a happy ending.  that is some good Scooby doo shit. such a happy ending, though.  America’s ok I guess.  So there’s some good gateway ghost stories for you to get with the program.  who am I imagining as my target audience with this post? retards? maybe… I apologize.


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The Rone Ranger

The Lone Ranger bombed pretty hard, i think Disney lost 200 million on it? And Critics panned it, including my nemesis Peter Travers. And then Johnny Depp and Jerry Bruckheimer got all butt-hurt because nobody was giving their movie any satisfaction, which was funny. Can’t get enough butt-hurt Johnny, he says he might quit acting now he’s so butt-hurt about the whole Lone Ranger thing.
The Lone Ranger is the best movie I’ve seen so far this year. This year is the worst year for movies I have ever seen. The last year that was this bad was the year Inception came out. That was a bunch of trash and Inception, a great movie. There is no inception this year. Lone Ranger squats atop a dung heap of total crap.
Oh my god Man of Steel was such a shitfest of a movie. I’m so tired of comic book movies. I hate them. They are the stupidest shit ever of all time. Tony Stark can suck my nuts.
Of all things, a lot of critics are comparing the Lone Ranger to Rango, which just seems stupid. Rango was the dumbest piece of shit I’ve ever seen of all time.
They should be comparing it to The General, if they were smart at all like me. I’m the smartest movie blogger of all time. The General is an old Buster keaton silent film that is just dope as shit. Lone Ranger totally channels it on purpose. I scoff at lesser critics. Worship my shadow.THE LONE RANGER, Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels

buster keaton

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