not that much happens in the new teenage mutant ninja turtles movie.  which is actually a good thing.  the blue one and the red one argue a little bit. i think the blue one is the leader.  the purple one is smart.  and the orange one is all up on Megan Fox which is pretty sweet.  megan fox finally aged to the point that she can be a girl next door type, which fuels a whole different male fantasy than before.  like Cameron Diaz in The Mask vs. Cameron Diaz in all her other movies.  It seems to be a pretty fleeting thing, the face meltingly hot stage, or perhaps i’m just being fickle.  point is both those actresses are still bangin but now i feel like i can deliver a basket of fruit to their front door and i wouldn’t feel like they were doing me a favor by sampling an unripened banana in slow motion.  megan fox was acting against nothing because the turtles hadn’t been created in a computer yet at that point, so her acting is kind of awesome.  it’s like a confused, possibly a little dumb, stair, and a dash of puppy dog head tilt every time the orange one, who doesn’t exist yet, says something to her.  it’s money.  she’s good, so much better than my new nemesis Andy Serkis.  That guy sucks.  Anyone can do what he does, do yoga for a week til you can shade you crotch with your skull at 3 in the afternoon and you can walk like a monkey andy serkis style.  the mans a joke.  megan fox is very serious by comparison.

this movie introduced me to a new concept.  you know how sometimes you can hear a song and it will suck but you like the other song that plays right before it.  you are too lazy to skip or whatever so you accidentally listen to the undesirable song more than you would like… you end up liking it, yeah? you hear things you didn’t know where there, you understand it more.  the action in turtles is like that.  it fucking sucks, but i’d dig it if i was forced to watch it a bunch.  the purple one does some cool stuff sometimes.   my only complaint is my complaint about everything involving computers these days: the lost art of proper physics.  when they get the physics right it will instantly feel more alive even if the tech isn’t as good.  Jurassic Park is to this day the most effective CGI movie, from 1993.  it’s because the filmmakers, including my boy Speilberg, were scared of the tech back then and used it smart and sparingly, and they paid extra attention to lighting and physics, and it paid off.  Turtles doesn’t do that, it would be better if they did.  I’ve said this before but all you need is seriously a new job description in the credits: “physics guy”.  I use ‘guy’ in the gender neutral sense there cause i’m politically correct as fuck.

this movie made a bunch of money, which is cool.  made like, a billion dollars.  good for them and fuck lesser works.

in conclusion: yeah this movie sucked my nuts a bit but i appreciate the various ways that is disrespects sentimental hipster nerds because i scoff at their plight, i cannot throw enough of the pigskin these days.  Andy Serkis blows.


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