interstellar plot hole

interstellar

SPOILERS!
Also, this isn’t a review. this is a potential discussion of a plot hole that ruins the movie.
if it wasn’t for this one plot hole, this movie would be amazing. it’s not a debatable time travel plot hole
or a nit picky relativity plot hole. i mean it’s a real plot hole. something that the story hinges on that makes no sense.
namely, the order of the planets they visit.

basically it’s that the astronauts do some b-grade teen horror movie dumb stuff.
i will not stand for that, especially in a hard sci fi movie. suspension of disbelief is the greatest benefit i can give any movie and i will gladly but i was robbed of it because of what planet they decide to visit first.
they actually convene and discuss, and then make an idiotic decision after discussion.
this adds insult to injury. because of the pretenses of them huddling up and making a supposed smart decision. it ruined the movie for me.

it’s when they pop out of the wormhole. their mission is to visit three planets, rescue three scientists and collect all their data, then pick one.
so it’s important which one they pick first but ideally all planets will be visited, they discuss it.
one of the planets is close to a black hole so it will take them roughly two years to visit due to time distortion, if all goes well. the other two planets, there is no time distortion. WHY do they go to the planet that will take the longest, first? that means the other two
scientists you are capable of saving will have to wait at least two extra years. In their discussion, they mention that the planets are ‘months’ apart, and
this is for some reason a deterrent, while the planet they claim is most convenient will actually delay them two years, if all goes well. and they know this.
why do they go to that planet first!? it’s so stupid.

it’s like taking a shit before your roommate when all your roommate has to do is take a piss. you let your roommate piss first, then you take a shit.
i’ve tried to justify this plot hole somehow because that would save the movie and make it great. but i haven’t been able to. under any circumstance,
the best decision is to save the time distorted planet near the wormhole for last.

if anyone has thoughts feel free to share.

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nightcrawler

skinny jake

nightcrawler was refreshing because it centers on a man
ignorant to the very idea of morals or values. i been really
sick of movies like Lego Movie with ‘likeable’ characters.
i’m so filled with shame that i saw lego movie in
theatres and liked it, never again! why is this even a thing? the reason is because there is not a diverse selection.
even most adult blockbusters are now tailored in part to kids,
thanks avengers. Joss Whedon sucks btw. kids should be playing
outside anyway, or watching flash gordon vhs on repeat. Blues Clues rules,
i’ll give you that. But kids have brains that barely work why are we
tailoring shit to them at all? We should just trick them.
so thanks for this movie hollywood, and thanks for Lou Bloom.
some peeps are calling him a sociopath but that term seems to get thrown
at all sorts of stuff these days. this guy is very specific.
he defies even the classification of anti-hero.
in his own words he says something like, ‘what if it’s not that
i don’t understand people, it’s just that i don’t like them?’
there is an epic huge backstory hinted at for Lou Bloom, our main
character. He has been put through the ringer of the
hypocrisy and bureaucracy of the american minimum wage workplace
and dealt with many a deuschy boss, studied their
moves perfectly. this is all BACKSTORY just hinted at! the movie starts with him sneaking around,
tresspassing, to theive metal. what got him to that point?
it’s an awesome intriguing start to an unfathomably interesting
character put to film. Lou Bloom is American Bullshit personified, condensed
into a diamond. A diamond with a
heavy death toll behind it. not exactly human, not at all.
you telling me we can personify a social construct and watch it wriggle for
deeper understanding of the concept? nice moves, hollywood.
just don’t call it satire and don’t call lou bloom a sociopath.

This movie would be almost as
interesting with all the dialogue cut out. that’s how
spot on the significance of action on screen playing out
is. for example, the first time Lou Bloom realizes he
can tamper with a crime scene to make his footage more
interesting. The dialogue is not integral so it serves as more
of an accent flavor, it’s perfect.
speaking of cherry on top, this movie isn’t about rich people! yay!
it’s the first movie that’s not about rich people that i’ve
seen since The Commitments in 1991. I was 5.

this isn’t a dark comedy, thank goodness. dark comedies
can suck my nuts. it’s a crime movie. it’s the best
crime movie since.. i dunno. Let me list some
movies that his movie is better than, to illustrate.
this movie is better than:
Drive
Gone Girl, a movie whose dick i was all upon just last week.
American Psycho, maybe just a tie on this one?

just to name a few. those are some good movies that this movie is
better than. it’s another rare reminder that movies are dope and will always
ace tv in a head to head at full potential.

so i wanted to save this for the end, not lead with it.
but this movie is at the very least, the best movie so
far this decade except for Inception. i know i’m prone
to hyperbole so what?

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gone girl

gonegirl

david fincher is the greatest director of all time. he’s a mix of ozu and hitchcock, but better than both. his fault is he might not have enough time to make enough movies. he makes tarantino and paul anderson look like a joke. no filmmaker has ever been a true genius, except for fincher. anyone who says he’s style over substance can suck my nuts, seriously. we’re dealing with like the worst period of movies ever. and people are eating it up. yaaaay guardians of the galaxy, that movie can suck my nuts. lego movie yaaaay. suck. my. nuts. these movies are fucking terrible. gone girl is a companion piece to fight club, femenine where the former is masculine, equally as cutting. cutting is a word my nemisis travers would use so let me just say ‘dope’. gone girls theme is ‘give a woman enough free time and she will plot your downfall’ written by a woman btw. super stoked on dope ass entertainment that is interested in gender politics rather than scared of them. so is fincher, the greatest filmmaker ever.

except for one thing: what the heck is up with ben’s bis? his bis are so swol in this feature. way too swol, messed with my suspension of disbelief. turns out he’s filming batman as i write this or something so that’s why. the human body moves to a different jig than the movie industry, apparently.

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tnmt

michealangeloturtle

not that much happens in the new teenage mutant ninja turtles movie.  which is actually a good thing.  the blue one and the red one argue a little bit. i think the blue one is the leader.  the purple one is smart.  and the orange one is all up on Megan Fox which is pretty sweet.  megan fox finally aged to the point that she can be a girl next door type, which fuels a whole different male fantasy than before.  like Cameron Diaz in The Mask vs. Cameron Diaz in all her other movies.  It seems to be a pretty fleeting thing, the face meltingly hot stage, or perhaps i’m just being fickle.  point is both those actresses are still bangin but now i feel like i can deliver a basket of fruit to their front door and i wouldn’t feel like they were doing me a favor by sampling an unripened banana in slow motion.  megan fox was acting against nothing because the turtles hadn’t been created in a computer yet at that point, so her acting is kind of awesome.  it’s like a confused, possibly a little dumb, stair, and a dash of puppy dog head tilt every time the orange one, who doesn’t exist yet, says something to her.  it’s money.  she’s good, so much better than my new nemesis Andy Serkis.  That guy sucks.  Anyone can do what he does, do yoga for a week til you can shade you crotch with your skull at 3 in the afternoon and you can walk like a monkey andy serkis style.  the mans a joke.  megan fox is very serious by comparison.

this movie introduced me to a new concept.  you know how sometimes you can hear a song and it will suck but you like the other song that plays right before it.  you are too lazy to skip or whatever so you accidentally listen to the undesirable song more than you would like… you end up liking it, yeah? you hear things you didn’t know where there, you understand it more.  the action in turtles is like that.  it fucking sucks, but i’d dig it if i was forced to watch it a bunch.  the purple one does some cool stuff sometimes.   my only complaint is my complaint about everything involving computers these days: the lost art of proper physics.  when they get the physics right it will instantly feel more alive even if the tech isn’t as good.  Jurassic Park is to this day the most effective CGI movie, from 1993.  it’s because the filmmakers, including my boy Speilberg, were scared of the tech back then and used it smart and sparingly, and they paid extra attention to lighting and physics, and it paid off.  Turtles doesn’t do that, it would be better if they did.  I’ve said this before but all you need is seriously a new job description in the credits: “physics guy”.  I use ‘guy’ in the gender neutral sense there cause i’m politically correct as fuck.

this movie made a bunch of money, which is cool.  made like, a billion dollars.  good for them and fuck lesser works.

in conclusion: yeah this movie sucked my nuts a bit but i appreciate the various ways that is disrespects sentimental hipster nerds because i scoff at their plight, i cannot throw enough of the pigskin these days.  Andy Serkis blows.

 

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Jake Gyllenhal or something.

enemy_ver4_xlg

my biggest fan requested that I review Enemy. Which I was like, let’s not make this a habit but ok. it’s a riddle of a movie, not all movies are like that thank goodness but some are, they are all very prematurely self congratulatory in a really misguided way. as everyone knows, the best riddles are unsolvable, because fuck riddles. but this riddle was childs play. worst riddle i’ve ever been told, something to do with spiders or something, here goes:

Enemy is about a race of spider people that come down and enter our dreams and slowly replace us all, bodysnatchers style.
but they fuck up and one guy slips through the cracks and gets duplicated.
So then the duplicates meet for the first time and really don’t like it so close like that so they try to find a more indirect way to bone each other, which is to bone each others girlfriends.
one of them ends up dying so you think balance is restored but there’s still spider people to worry about.
there is some weird stuff in the movie that goes with a history repeats itself vibe, and the vibe seems to be this act of adultery on the part of the
husband. a cycle stretched along a vector, in this case representing time or the speed of light or whatever, becomes a sine wave i think, just look at the lights on bike spokes at night. so it’s not like teleportation or a ‘reset’ button is involved, pretty sure. so it means maybe there’s ‘hope,’ in the obama sense of the word. but the end gives no obama hope because you still gotta worry about the spider people. which, maybe the spider people have take over before? in which case there IS a reset button. damn.

ok so i think the riddle of the movie is: is this guy, represented in this spidermind world as two people who will each make a key choice in a mutually exclusive decision: to cheat or not to cheat, gonna cheat on his pregnant wife again or what? so actually the most interesting character would probably be the wife, but it’s interesting she doesn’t really have a choice, she ‘chooses’ to seduce the impostor, the supposed goodguy, but then he goes bad in the end and she turns into a spider. No obama hope. i don’t mind it but i mind and reckon tons of stuff all the time so no big deal.

if it is as my superior the youtube says, all about the subconsious, i have some minor bones to pick about subconsious shit in general. my annoyance is that it’s so symbolic, but then they pick complicated symbols in this case that hold symbols within them, like a bag of symbols, and they didn’t take the time to account for all the symbols so there are some rougue symbols out there. this would be almost like a plot hole? for example: bad jake dies but leaves behind a doorkey. the doorkey singlehandedly sparks something inside of good jake to become bad jake again, something like depraved curiousity. this key was waiting for the now dead bad jake at his place of employ for a period of no greater than 6 months until it was procured by good jake in a duplicitous act. inidentally or not, 6 months is also how how pregnant his spider wife is. the key directly represents access to some kind of kubrickian sex party, which in itself is symbol. we get a glimpse of the kubrickian sex party in the beginning, which features a hooker stepping on a spider. So that’s a symbol within a symbol within a symbol. the squashed spider, held within the symbol of the key twice removed, has nothing to do with the key, the relationship between the two at that point is muddled and unstable. are they opposites? the key leads to the downfall of the spider. it does actually kind of imply a narrative. hmm that is actually pretty genius. but the wife, the most interesting character based on how all these symbols are set up, is not in control, seems like she’s just a pawn to the wims of the symbols higher up on the food chain. she basically represents an if then statement but at least her if then statement seems to include dumping his ass.

anyway the answer to the riddle is: yes

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sar budapest hotel

alien3

Ok i just watched Grand Budapest Hotel from my local box, redbox. this movie was very refreshing, which you might think is a contradiction because wes andersons movies are all inbred and homogenized at this point, which is true…. but his inbred homogenized shit is still refreshing because i guess not enough people have ripped him off yet, possibly because his ideas aren’t that good. his shit ain’t matrix caliber, let’s put it that way. despite this, i will still look forward to mr. anderson’s new shit (pun intented hehe).

his last one sucked my nuts because it’s emotional crutch rested on terrible child actors. and i think the one before that sucked too, the train one. BUT, this one is the shit. it’s just so pleasurable to watch, it’s a little trite but who gives a fuck. one thing i will say is that it’s the actors and the writing that made this movie good. NOT the directing. the directing is stupid. BUT, let me contradict myself, anderson’s call to have the actors speak in their natural accent and disregard that aspect of their character within history was… the total shit, money. so dope. good stuff. hmm, ok one thing i found interesting is that this is one of the few movies i’ve seen downplay nazis as badguys, not even nessicarily humanize them, just downplay them… and there is a timeline to this and it does ‘pay off’ in a respect: the nazis eventually start dressing in black, and that’s when they are ‘real bad guys’, they have an ‘ark’ if you will (pun intended). so that whole aspect of the movie was wierd, i don’t know what to think. i mean on one end of the spectrum you have the tried and true nazis as classical badguys a la Raiders of the Lost Ark. which is still borderline disrespectful to history if you think about it, um don’t get me wrong. that’s my favorite movie, maybe that’s why speilberg made shindler’s list, though, to balance the scales. and then with this movie… it’s just feels weird to have cartoony nazis through the whole thing and then have them get mean for real and dress in black in the last 5 minutes and do their thing that we all know nazis do.

wes anderson’s movies have tended to lend themselves to the long standing critique: “style over substance”. First, ‘style over substance’ is the stupidest shit i’ve ever heard. not only is it a contradiciton in itself, but it’s just a really really stupid thing to say, it will instantly prove your stupid if you say it, ever. They’re the same thing, or at least bound intrinsically i. e. you can’t change one without changing the other. basically, the’re the same thing. i’ll give you one example, not a wes anderson one… ALIEN 3. directed by my boy David Fincher, who has faced the ‘style over substance’ thing before, this was his first movie after getting started with music videos and he was so good from the start that people were fucking with him saying ‘style over substance’… when actually it’s like, no, are you fucking stupid, this is the dawn of our generations greatest professional director. Substance? your talking about substance? note: he’s not our greatest director flat, just professional. the director flat would go to someone who is a lazy genius with more of an auteur vision than just being classically the best. that person is Tarantino.

anyway that was a big separate thing, but this movie does have substance. the substance is actually great. let me put it this way, if your movie implies a mythology, then you are safe on the substance part. Budapest Hotel totally does that. It’s really really good. what can I say. not as good as Titanic or Braveheart, but still pretty damn good.

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frozen

I watched Frozen.  Bonus is I saw it with my roommates kid so it’s not like I was an adult watching a cartoon for children by myself or anything.  cartoons for kids are one of the last nooks in Hollywood that hasn’t been tainted by Kurtzman and Orci, the two worst writers of all time except for Peter Travers.  It’s a place in the shadows that I can find solace.

I’m kinda looking forward to when princess movies can get back having it be ok for the princess to be rescued by prince.  Frozen is right on the cusp of this timeline of post modern reactionary princesses, which is cool but because it’s on the crest of this arc of more independent princess characterization, that is, it’s one of the first of this ‘new wave’, so it’s really smug and self-back patting.  which, smugness is a natural phase on the path to enlightenment, just look at all the first-trimester Buddhists out there. so I can’t hate.

trying to make a princess realistic doesn’t really work when it’s a fantasy world that is super simplified for purposes of I dunno symbolism or something, like the variables of the world are very tight and controlled, you have a castle beneath a mountain, etc.  For example, this isn’t like say, Game of Thrones.  I think it would be easier to make the princess realistic if she had to go to school every day and develop affinity for specific skills to apply in the real world, like Liam Neisen in Taken.  But that would be stupid.  Good thing Frozen didn’t do that.

one thing I really liked about this movie was that I had no idea what was going to happen next, ever.  Come to find out that’s because Disney is digging so deep into the backlogs of fairy tales that they are getting to the stuff I’ve never heard of.  This is from a Hans Christian Anderson story, complete with parental death etc.  The parents die kinda quick and weird in this movie, in the fairy tale equivalent of a ‘car crash’, which is kind of an overused trope at this point but who the fuck cares, off screen car crash death serves it’s purpose so whatever.

There’s no sense of time passing in this movie, even though a lot of time passes.  The girls spend their whole childhood isolated from the world and each other in a very weird decree from their parents, who then die off screen and anti climactically in a car crash.  And when the endless winter happens, everyone is all worried about this endless winter but I’m like, wait, didn’t the endless winter just start five minutes ago?  It all serves to make the movie less epic, I don’t know how the filmmakers could fix that, though.  They did the best with the source material that they could.  I think it’s Hans Christian Anderson’s fault.  That guy was an idiot.  He never wrote anything as good as Game of Thrones in his whole life.  Winter is Coming, Hans, you are not my boy.  I hope you and Peter Travers die in a footnote car crash.  Disney has adapted Game of Thrones-esque material btw, Lion King is based on Hamlet and DOES feel epic with it’s passing of time and stakes and power play etc.  that movie has too many songs that go on too long, though, so I can’t get through it anymore.

The songs in Frozen are dope as fuck.

frozen_-_elsa_and_anna

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