‘Merican Psycho/Hustle

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I watched American Hustle, it’s the second ‘American (insert any word here)’ movie that Christian Bale has made. I lasted the whole way through it because I was with my roommate and didn’t want to lose face by absconding to my basement to review text messages from the day.  The end result is he was not offended and I lost two hours of my life.  At least it had a happy ending so I could get all stoked at the end of the movie.  Sad endings suck my nuts and you just can’t trust these ‘based on a true story’ movies with happy endings because of entropy and stuff like that. Nobody dies in this movie, though. I only mention it because that woulda made it better, if everyone would just drop dead.

So the plot of the movie is that Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper want to see who is the best actor so they start yuckin it up but in the end it turns out Amy Adams is prolly better than both of them, well, she’s at least hotter than both of them, at least in this movie, at least in most of the scenes… some of the scenes.  Christian bale is stiff competition for hotness in this movie, he gained like 40 pounds for the role by eating bacon, but his neck is still thinner than his chin so fuck him.  He shoulda pounded some peptides, suppository style.

I feel like parts of this movie were ad-libbed because I think Jennifer Lawrence drops a reference that isn’t supposed to exist yet in the 70‘s: Power Rangers or Ghost Busters or something. If you can spot the ad-libs then they ain’t good ad-libs methinks. Bradley Cooper had the best ad-libs, though, so I guess he wins that battle. I don’t think Christian Bale ad libbed anything, maybe that’s just his style. If he did ad lib something it means he tricked me so good for him that’s a good ad lib. Good job, Christian.

There was one pretty sweet thing about this movie. Christian Bale’s character, he’s a con man and his main dealio is to deny people so they want his services more. He keeps doing that through the entire movie, even when it makes little to no sense. it’s almost like it’s his characters go to reaction, to just be a naysayer. So THEN, at the very end there is a cool payoff with this tactic, because by then you’ve forgotten that that’s what he’s all about and instead you just annoyed at all his naysaying. And this will be the final straw of naysaying, you think. but no, he’s playing some fool out of nowhere like a champ. Happy ending.

The thing about con movies and heist movies is that they usually build to a cool climax, but the whole movie building up to it is stupid as fuck. That is also the case with American Hustle.

In conclusion I hate the 70‘s.  I’ve done lots of cross referencing to isolate variables in a complicated situation and concluded objectively that the 70′s suck my nuts.  Better than Travers.

 

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wolf of wallstreet and some like it blue

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Three hour movies are so dope in an age when most movies are just a stupid 90 minutes. Damn general populace is ruining everything for everyone by running out of ridilin halfway through the movie. No matter what, three hour movies feel pretty epic even if they don’t feature armies charging. Movies like Ichi the Killer, Noriko’s Dinner Table, and of course Titanic. One of the cool things about three hour long movies is they have enough space to breath and go on tangents if they want to.

I recently watched two three hour movies: Wolf of Wallstreet and Blue is the Warmest Color aka Some Like it Blue. These movies are super dope, and neither features armies charging. I only made it through 90 minutes of each before I got bored but they are super dope and add up two one full three hour movie.

The first 90 minutes of Some Like it Blue is basically a close up of this weird looking french girl who is for some reason incredibly smoking hot with buck teeth and messy hair. You get to see her eat spagetti and read literature aloud in class, and it’s super dope because she’s a smoking babe. Oh yeah and this is a gay movie so she pounds some lesbian ass. Peter Travers can suck my nuts.

The first 90 minutes of Wolf were really entertaining and my boy Leo is good stuff. He’s a really good actor because his own ego never fucks the scenes up. Like one time I saw Johnny Depp and Christian Bale in a scene together and they were both trying to ‘out badass’ each other and it was so stupid. Deniro and Pacino do the same thing in Heat. Leo has no problem being out badassed if the scene calls for it, as it does in a scene with Mathew Machonohey. Also his acting is really good pertaining to his relationships with the women in the movie. He’ll have such a sweet look of longing, so charming and endearing, the same look that worked to get him laid all thoughtfully in The Departed, could even be the look that got him famous in general, but then the voice over of his thoughts will say ‘I gotta figure out how to bang this girl’. That juxtaposition is pretty funny. Wolf is sort of a comedy but it’s not so much laugh out loud as just constantly entertaining, and there are some great one liners. And some really good readings of the one liners by various actors including my boy leo like, ‘she, the dutchess, me, her handsome duke’. what a ridiculous line i’m stoked he read that shit without trying to make it sound cool, he keeps it as cheesy as it should be, no ego. he’s better than dame judi dench, probably, probably better than all the dames.

Anyway, too bad I got bored so now I don’t know what happens. As it stands all I know is that weird hot french girl is in love and super happy and stoked on life and Leo is rich as fuck and super stoked and happy on life.  I mixed those movies like a black-and-tan and it tasted sweet.  I’m the best critic.

 

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ju-on and japanese horror

the japs are all about the ghost story.  America thinks ghosts are stupid thanks to Scooby doo, but they aren’t. ghosts are so much better than zombies.  zombies are so stupid.  I scoff at teeny bopper zombie lovers.  America is all about the zombies, I scoff at you.  America has ghost stories too but they mostly suck.  insidious was good.  the japs take their ghost stories seriously though because of one special rule that for some reason America never adopted (except with Japanese remakes like the ring, a great movie): if you see a ghost, you become a ghost… you die.  the stakes are really high and it’s scary in the way that gives you nightmares because of it’s simplicity, if you see a ghost, you’re already dead.

ju-on is perhaps the best gateway movie to Japanese ghost stories for the uninitiated, partly because it’s one of the first, at least to reach america, and in that respect I give it a high recommendation.  It’s structured, almost ironically, after an old American classic: Psycho.  basically there is a cycle of killing that will seemingly never stop.  I’m gonna drop a spoiler bomb here but it’s good to know.  Because my mal-adjusted expectations fucked the movie up for me at end.  so I can help align expectations with this spoiler: the cycle doesn’t stop.  this isn’t an American movie where everything is wrapped up at the end.  thanks hitchcock for that… psyche!  you screwed my expectations up you bastard I thought the cycle would end and it didn’t.  you suck.

ju-on is scary and super entertaining, can you ask for more? it’s also fun to break down the ghost logic and decipher the out-of-order story that is told in overlapping sub stories.  there  is some damn good ghost logic in this movie.  there’s some ghost time travel vision shit, a stock ghost rule invented by Charles dickens back in the day with that scrooge guy… it’s good stuff.

pulse is another great Japanese ghost story, also eventually remade and severely castrated by zombie lovin, happy ending lovin americans.  And the American remake of The Ring is freaking great, even though it has a happy ending.  that is some good Scooby doo shit. such a happy ending, though.  America’s ok I guess.  So there’s some good gateway ghost stories for you to get with the program.  who am I imagining as my target audience with this post? retards? maybe… I apologize.

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The Rone Ranger

The Lone Ranger bombed pretty hard, i think Disney lost 200 million on it? And Critics panned it, including my nemesis Peter Travers. And then Johnny Depp and Jerry Bruckheimer got all butt-hurt because nobody was giving their movie any satisfaction, which was funny. Can’t get enough butt-hurt Johnny, he says he might quit acting now he’s so butt-hurt about the whole Lone Ranger thing.
The Lone Ranger is the best movie I’ve seen so far this year. This year is the worst year for movies I have ever seen. The last year that was this bad was the year Inception came out. That was a bunch of trash and Inception, a great movie. There is no inception this year. Lone Ranger squats atop a dung heap of total crap.
Oh my god Man of Steel was such a shitfest of a movie. I’m so tired of comic book movies. I hate them. They are the stupidest shit ever of all time. Tony Stark can suck my nuts.
Of all things, a lot of critics are comparing the Lone Ranger to Rango, which just seems stupid. Rango was the dumbest piece of shit I’ve ever seen of all time.
They should be comparing it to The General, if they were smart at all like me. I’m the smartest movie blogger of all time. The General is an old Buster keaton silent film that is just dope as shit. Lone Ranger totally channels it on purpose. I scoff at lesser critics. Worship my shadow.THE LONE RANGER, Clayton Moore and Jay Silverheels

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I saw that one movie: Citizen Kane

Citizen Kane is often cited as the best movie of all time… You have to worry that this might include historical context, though. That’s like when people say the Beatles are the best band of all time, which they clearly aren’t, Kanye West is.
Despite being an all time great movie, Citizen Kane is largely overlooked by modern filmgoers. It’s black and white, and rather old. The question you might want to ask is: Is it worth it? Should I check out that old classic? Should I watch it, or is it more like the Beatles, like who cares anymore status?
Answer: You should go watch Titanic instead. The James Cameron opus from 97′. That movie was so sweet.
I am building towards a super sweet ass point, though. Citizen Kane is super poppy, within it’s historical context. Poppy like ‘heavy handed mass appeal… i.e. GENIUS’ So poppy that it rivals Titanic. Although the movies have no thematic throughline, Titanic is the shit and you should just watch that movie instead.  Like they had a heavyweight ‘whos the most poppy’ contest and Titanic won.  But Citizen Kane is super poppy, don’t get me wrong.
One final note on Citizen Kane, it seems to tell such and epic classic tale, a poppy tale, yet this particular tale hasn’t been particularly retold, as most epic classic poppy tales are. It’s like Citizen Kane has a monopoly on the ‘dashing tycoon bites the dust’ story. What else is there, ‘Giant’? I dunno. People won’t touch it because they are afraid of it’s shadow, as they should be, I suppose. Like… nobody will be remaking or retelling Titanic anytime soon.citizenkane

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GI JOE retaliation

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For one, Hasbro should change their logo because it looks really dumb when it comes up on screen.
For the unitnitiated, this is a sequel to a movie starring my boy Tatum when he was still considered, ‘a boring good looking guy’, i.e. pre 21 jumpstreet and Magic Mike.  He wasn’t actually boring, that’s just something all goodlooking people have to deal with because they have better jeans than everyone else and are probably smarter than all the ugly people too.  Tatum is a genius, Stop Loss was great, best poster of the 21st century, see?

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So for the sequel, based on the popular but incredibly stupid toy line (doesn’t stop me from buying em), they killed of my boy Tatum to replace him with The Rock. They gave him an anticlimactic death in the first scene…
THEN… Magic Mike went off all up in middle aged women’s panties, so they were like, oh crap we gotta get Per’s boy in there. Get tatum some screen time. So they postpone the release and send it in for reshoots. They still have to kill him, but they insert all these pointless scenes with my boy tatum hanging out with little girls.
one thing: props to my boy tatum because he knew it was bullshit so he is channeling his ‘funny or die’ persona… that is, he’s just being really silly the whole time before he dies and it doesn’t fit, but it’s awesome. best part of the movie.

wait, second best part. the best part is my boy Lee Byung-Hun as Stormshadow. My boy Byung-hun was the star of the best movie of 2011 or someyear like that: I SAW THE DEVIL. This guy is a total international movie star badass. He is currently hailed as Asia’s best actor. So it’s funny that in Hollywood he just gets a bit part in a bad movie, basically. I’m rooting for him because he’s taking a different path that Jackie Chan or Jean Claude, who went to Hollywood to get lead roles in bad movies. It’s because he knows martial arts, but this guy can act up a storm, eastern style. Aint’ no Old Deniro ‘grace in subtlety’ bullshit here.

On some level the filmmakers must have known the ace they had with my boy Byung-Hun, because they do write him some juicy melodrama, which he knocks out of the park.

The final and third good thing this movie does is separate it’s heroes, so they are acting independently of each other and helping each other out when they can, it has the effect of beefing up the mythology.

and there is one scene that is so bad it’s good about war room nuclear political conflict self parody, like the scene could be a monty python skit. so four good things…

other than that this is a really really boring movie, zero intrigue/mystery, minimal suspense… those are the two things you can do to be classically entertaining, right? I don’t recommend it. I recommend a Korean tv show called IRIS starring my boy byung-hun, magic mike, and monty python.

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The Bilbo

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The Bilbo is barely a movie.  The following is a review designed to be the opposite of my nemesis Peter Travers’ review, as he was successful in writing the worst review possible.  the first 45 minutes were chill and cool, reminded me of The Dirty Dozen, the best part, but then it gets really really stupid.  once all the stupid Bilbo movies come out maybe topher grace will cut an edit that makes the whole thing 80 minutes and good (like he did for the redundant star wars prequels)

Ian Mckellan as gandolff is channeling a specific Dumbledore from the first two harry potter movies, the one that died halfway through the filming so they had to recast him.  at least Jackson had the foresight to shoot all three of the Bilbo movies at once in case sir ian bit the dust like he is definitely gonna do.

The Bilbo is the clearest sign that I have been able to find that movies might be done for good, when crap makes money, that’s when you should get scared… it started with that stupid Pandora movie made by the dumbest man alive, James Cameron.  I shouldn’t rip on something so harshly without explaining…

I have many complaints about the Bilbo but the main one is… where’s all the brokeback mountain stuff from the other movies?  that shit was hilarious.  they do hint at gandolf being a pedo but that’s about it.

good people can be blinded by fandom.  let me give a shout out to the ONE GOOD movie of the whole Tolkien shenanagins: The Fellowship of the Ring.  That movie is truly a good movie.  It employs actual storytelling and genre elements (horror) with tactful, limited use of cgi.  The second Frodo steps out of the shire he is in serious danger.  The one ace that the Fellowship holds, Gandolf, gets taken out of the picture… it’s basically Deliverance except Sir Ian is Burt and the pig butt fucking scene is Elijah Woods face.

The Bilbo is not like deliverance at all.  there is no butt rape, no burt… instead there’s hackneyed contrivances and deus ex machine ‘painted ourselves into a corner so lets just have gandolf cast a spell to save us… there’s also lots of winks to the audience like, ‘remember when we did this in that other stupid middle earth trilogy? wasn’t that cool? let’s do it again.’  I was cringing when they might even have gandolf say, ‘you shall not pass!’ one more time, you can imagine how stupid that would be but they literally do stuff like that through the whole movie.

i’m worried my comparison to the dirty dozen might hint at actual  praise… let’s consider, both movies are men on a mission, about 12 in number (I think the Bilbo might feature 15 total, not sure)… but if the dirty dozen was like the Bilbo it would a. suck,  b. not even get close to the actual mission, just tons of filler crap, c. rely heavily on references to older, better movies, and d. lee marvin would be super old and cast retarded old hat spells to save his men all the time from action with not stakes or motivation.

And what’s with all the praise on golem?  Golem is an idiot.

that is all.

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