For one, Hasbro should change their logo because it looks really dumb when it comes up on screen.
For the unitnitiated, this is a sequel to a movie starring my boy Tatum when he was still considered, ‘a boring good looking guy’, i.e. pre 21 jumpstreet and Magic Mike. He wasn’t actually boring, that’s just something all goodlooking people have to deal with because they have better jeans than everyone else and are probably smarter than all the ugly people too. Tatum is a genius, Stop Loss was great, best poster of the 21st century, see?
So for the sequel, based on the popular but incredibly stupid toy line (doesn’t stop me from buying em), they killed of my boy Tatum to replace him with The Rock. They gave him an anticlimactic death in the first scene…
THEN… Magic Mike went off all up in middle aged women’s panties, so they were like, oh crap we gotta get Per’s boy in there. Get tatum some screen time. So they postpone the release and send it in for reshoots. They still have to kill him, but they insert all these pointless scenes with my boy tatum hanging out with little girls.
one thing: props to my boy tatum because he knew it was bullshit so he is channeling his ‘funny or die’ persona… that is, he’s just being really silly the whole time before he dies and it doesn’t fit, but it’s awesome. best part of the movie.
wait, second best part. the best part is my boy Lee Byung-Hun as Stormshadow. My boy Byung-hun was the star of the best movie of 2011 or someyear like that: I SAW THE DEVIL. This guy is a total international movie star badass. He is currently hailed as Asia’s best actor. So it’s funny that in Hollywood he just gets a bit part in a bad movie, basically. I’m rooting for him because he’s taking a different path that Jackie Chan or Jean Claude, who went to Hollywood to get lead roles in bad movies. It’s because he knows martial arts, but this guy can act up a storm, eastern style. Aint’ no Old Deniro ‘grace in subtlety’ bullshit here.
On some level the filmmakers must have known the ace they had with my boy Byung-Hun, because they do write him some juicy melodrama, which he knocks out of the park.
The final and third good thing this movie does is separate it’s heroes, so they are acting independently of each other and helping each other out when they can, it has the effect of beefing up the mythology.
and there is one scene that is so bad it’s good about war room nuclear political conflict self parody, like the scene could be a monty python skit. so four good things…
other than that this is a really really boring movie, zero intrigue/mystery, minimal suspense… those are the two things you can do to be classically entertaining, right? I don’t recommend it. I recommend a Korean tv show called IRIS starring my boy byung-hun, magic mike, and monty python.