gone girl


david fincher is the greatest director of all time. he’s a mix of ozu and hitchcock, but better than both. his fault is he might not have enough time to make enough movies. he makes tarantino and paul anderson look like a joke. no filmmaker has ever been a true genius, except for fincher. anyone who says he’s style over substance can suck my nuts, seriously. we’re dealing with like the worst period of movies ever. and people are eating it up. yaaaay guardians of the galaxy, that movie can suck my nuts. lego movie yaaaay. suck. my. nuts. these movies are fucking terrible. gone girl is a companion piece to fight club, femenine where the former is masculine, equally as cutting. cutting is a word my nemisis travers would use so let me just say ‘dope’. gone girls theme is ‘give a woman enough free time and she will plot your downfall’ written by a woman btw. super stoked on dope ass entertainment that is interested in gender politics rather than scared of them. so is fincher, the greatest filmmaker ever.

except for one thing: what the heck is up with ben’s bis? his bis are so swol in this feature. way too swol, messed with my suspension of disbelief. turns out he’s filming batman as i write this or something so that’s why. the human body moves to a different jig than the movie industry, apparently.

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not that much happens in the new teenage mutant ninja turtles movie.  which is actually a good thing.  the blue one and the red one argue a little bit. i think the blue one is the leader.  the purple one is smart.  and the orange one is all up on Megan Fox which is pretty sweet.  megan fox finally aged to the point that she can be a girl next door type, which fuels a whole different male fantasy than before.  like Cameron Diaz in The Mask vs. Cameron Diaz in all her other movies.  It seems to be a pretty fleeting thing, the face meltingly hot stage, or perhaps i’m just being fickle.  point is both those actresses are still bangin but now i feel like i can deliver a basket of fruit to their front door and i wouldn’t feel like they were doing me a favor by sampling an unripened banana in slow motion.  megan fox was acting against nothing because the turtles hadn’t been created in a computer yet at that point, so her acting is kind of awesome.  it’s like a confused, possibly a little dumb, stair, and a dash of puppy dog head tilt every time the orange one, who doesn’t exist yet, says something to her.  it’s money.  she’s good, so much better than my new nemesis Andy Serkis.  That guy sucks.  Anyone can do what he does, do yoga for a week til you can shade you crotch with your skull at 3 in the afternoon and you can walk like a monkey andy serkis style.  the mans a joke.  megan fox is very serious by comparison.

this movie introduced me to a new concept.  you know how sometimes you can hear a song and it will suck but you like the other song that plays right before it.  you are too lazy to skip or whatever so you accidentally listen to the undesirable song more than you would like… you end up liking it, yeah? you hear things you didn’t know where there, you understand it more.  the action in turtles is like that.  it fucking sucks, but i’d dig it if i was forced to watch it a bunch.  the purple one does some cool stuff sometimes.   my only complaint is my complaint about everything involving computers these days: the lost art of proper physics.  when they get the physics right it will instantly feel more alive even if the tech isn’t as good.  Jurassic Park is to this day the most effective CGI movie, from 1993.  it’s because the filmmakers, including my boy Speilberg, were scared of the tech back then and used it smart and sparingly, and they paid extra attention to lighting and physics, and it paid off.  Turtles doesn’t do that, it would be better if they did.  I’ve said this before but all you need is seriously a new job description in the credits: “physics guy”.  I use ‘guy’ in the gender neutral sense there cause i’m politically correct as fuck.

this movie made a bunch of money, which is cool.  made like, a billion dollars.  good for them and fuck lesser works.

in conclusion: yeah this movie sucked my nuts a bit but i appreciate the various ways that is disrespects sentimental hipster nerds because i scoff at their plight, i cannot throw enough of the pigskin these days.  Andy Serkis blows.


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Jake Gyllenhal or something.


my biggest fan requested that I review Enemy. Which I was like, let’s not make this a habit but ok. it’s a riddle of a movie, not all movies are like that thank goodness but some are, they are all very prematurely self congratulatory in a really misguided way. as everyone knows, the best riddles are unsolvable, because fuck riddles. but this riddle was childs play. worst riddle i’ve ever been told, something to do with spiders or something, here goes:

Enemy is about a race of spider people that come down and enter our dreams and slowly replace us all, bodysnatchers style.
but they fuck up and one guy slips through the cracks and gets duplicated.
So then the duplicates meet for the first time and really don’t like it so close like that so they try to find a more indirect way to bone each other, which is to bone each others girlfriends.
one of them ends up dying so you think balance is restored but there’s still spider people to worry about.
there is some weird stuff in the movie that goes with a history repeats itself vibe, and the vibe seems to be this act of adultery on the part of the
husband. a cycle stretched along a vector, in this case representing time or the speed of light or whatever, becomes a sine wave i think, just look at the lights on bike spokes at night. so it’s not like teleportation or a ‘reset’ button is involved, pretty sure. so it means maybe there’s ‘hope,’ in the obama sense of the word. but the end gives no obama hope because you still gotta worry about the spider people. which, maybe the spider people have take over before? in which case there IS a reset button. damn.

ok so i think the riddle of the movie is: is this guy, represented in this spidermind world as two people who will each make a key choice in a mutually exclusive decision: to cheat or not to cheat, gonna cheat on his pregnant wife again or what? so actually the most interesting character would probably be the wife, but it’s interesting she doesn’t really have a choice, she ‘chooses’ to seduce the impostor, the supposed goodguy, but then he goes bad in the end and she turns into a spider. No obama hope. i don’t mind it but i mind and reckon tons of stuff all the time so no big deal.

if it is as my superior the youtube says, all about the subconsious, i have some minor bones to pick about subconsious shit in general. my annoyance is that it’s so symbolic, but then they pick complicated symbols in this case that hold symbols within them, like a bag of symbols, and they didn’t take the time to account for all the symbols so there are some rougue symbols out there. this would be almost like a plot hole? for example: bad jake dies but leaves behind a doorkey. the doorkey singlehandedly sparks something inside of good jake to become bad jake again, something like depraved curiousity. this key was waiting for the now dead bad jake at his place of employ for a period of no greater than 6 months until it was procured by good jake in a duplicitous act. inidentally or not, 6 months is also how how pregnant his spider wife is. the key directly represents access to some kind of kubrickian sex party, which in itself is symbol. we get a glimpse of the kubrickian sex party in the beginning, which features a hooker stepping on a spider. So that’s a symbol within a symbol within a symbol. the squashed spider, held within the symbol of the key twice removed, has nothing to do with the key, the relationship between the two at that point is muddled and unstable. are they opposites? the key leads to the downfall of the spider. it does actually kind of imply a narrative. hmm that is actually pretty genius. but the wife, the most interesting character based on how all these symbols are set up, is not in control, seems like she’s just a pawn to the wims of the symbols higher up on the food chain. she basically represents an if then statement but at least her if then statement seems to include dumping his ass.

anyway the answer to the riddle is: yes

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sar budapest hotel


Ok i just watched Grand Budapest Hotel from my local box, redbox. this movie was very refreshing, which you might think is a contradiction because wes andersons movies are all inbred and homogenized at this point, which is true…. but his inbred homogenized shit is still refreshing because i guess not enough people have ripped him off yet, possibly because his ideas aren’t that good. his shit ain’t matrix caliber, let’s put it that way. despite this, i will still look forward to mr. anderson’s new shit (pun intented hehe).

his last one sucked my nuts because it’s emotional crutch rested on terrible child actors. and i think the one before that sucked too, the train one. BUT, this one is the shit. it’s just so pleasurable to watch, it’s a little trite but who gives a fuck. one thing i will say is that it’s the actors and the writing that made this movie good. NOT the directing. the directing is stupid. BUT, let me contradict myself, anderson’s call to have the actors speak in their natural accent and disregard that aspect of their character within history was… the total shit, money. so dope. good stuff. hmm, ok one thing i found interesting is that this is one of the few movies i’ve seen downplay nazis as badguys, not even nessicarily humanize them, just downplay them… and there is a timeline to this and it does ‘pay off’ in a respect: the nazis eventually start dressing in black, and that’s when they are ‘real bad guys’, they have an ‘ark’ if you will (pun intended). so that whole aspect of the movie was wierd, i don’t know what to think. i mean on one end of the spectrum you have the tried and true nazis as classical badguys a la Raiders of the Lost Ark. which is still borderline disrespectful to history if you think about it, um don’t get me wrong. that’s my favorite movie, maybe that’s why speilberg made shindler’s list, though, to balance the scales. and then with this movie… it’s just feels weird to have cartoony nazis through the whole thing and then have them get mean for real and dress in black in the last 5 minutes and do their thing that we all know nazis do.

wes anderson’s movies have tended to lend themselves to the long standing critique: “style over substance”. First, ‘style over substance’ is the stupidest shit i’ve ever heard. not only is it a contradiciton in itself, but it’s just a really really stupid thing to say, it will instantly prove your stupid if you say it, ever. They’re the same thing, or at least bound intrinsically i. e. you can’t change one without changing the other. basically, the’re the same thing. i’ll give you one example, not a wes anderson one… ALIEN 3. directed by my boy David Fincher, who has faced the ‘style over substance’ thing before, this was his first movie after getting started with music videos and he was so good from the start that people were fucking with him saying ‘style over substance’… when actually it’s like, no, are you fucking stupid, this is the dawn of our generations greatest professional director. Substance? your talking about substance? note: he’s not our greatest director flat, just professional. the director flat would go to someone who is a lazy genius with more of an auteur vision than just being classically the best. that person is Tarantino.

anyway that was a big separate thing, but this movie does have substance. the substance is actually great. let me put it this way, if your movie implies a mythology, then you are safe on the substance part. Budapest Hotel totally does that. It’s really really good. what can I say. not as good as Titanic or Braveheart, but still pretty damn good.

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I watched Frozen.  Bonus is I saw it with my roommates kid so it’s not like I was an adult watching a cartoon for children by myself or anything.  cartoons for kids are one of the last nooks in Hollywood that hasn’t been tainted by Kurtzman and Orci, the two worst writers of all time except for Peter Travers.  It’s a place in the shadows that I can find solace.

I’m kinda looking forward to when princess movies can get back having it be ok for the princess to be rescued by prince.  Frozen is right on the cusp of this timeline of post modern reactionary princesses, which is cool but because it’s on the crest of this arc of more independent princess characterization, that is, it’s one of the first of this ‘new wave’, so it’s really smug and self-back patting.  which, smugness is a natural phase on the path to enlightenment, just look at all the first-trimester Buddhists out there. so I can’t hate.

trying to make a princess realistic doesn’t really work when it’s a fantasy world that is super simplified for purposes of I dunno symbolism or something, like the variables of the world are very tight and controlled, you have a castle beneath a mountain, etc.  For example, this isn’t like say, Game of Thrones.  I think it would be easier to make the princess realistic if she had to go to school every day and develop affinity for specific skills to apply in the real world, like Liam Neisen in Taken.  But that would be stupid.  Good thing Frozen didn’t do that.

one thing I really liked about this movie was that I had no idea what was going to happen next, ever.  Come to find out that’s because Disney is digging so deep into the backlogs of fairy tales that they are getting to the stuff I’ve never heard of.  This is from a Hans Christian Anderson story, complete with parental death etc.  The parents die kinda quick and weird in this movie, in the fairy tale equivalent of a ‘car crash’, which is kind of an overused trope at this point but who the fuck cares, off screen car crash death serves it’s purpose so whatever.

There’s no sense of time passing in this movie, even though a lot of time passes.  The girls spend their whole childhood isolated from the world and each other in a very weird decree from their parents, who then die off screen and anti climactically in a car crash.  And when the endless winter happens, everyone is all worried about this endless winter but I’m like, wait, didn’t the endless winter just start five minutes ago?  It all serves to make the movie less epic, I don’t know how the filmmakers could fix that, though.  They did the best with the source material that they could.  I think it’s Hans Christian Anderson’s fault.  That guy was an idiot.  He never wrote anything as good as Game of Thrones in his whole life.  Winter is Coming, Hans, you are not my boy.  I hope you and Peter Travers die in a footnote car crash.  Disney has adapted Game of Thrones-esque material btw, Lion King is based on Hamlet and DOES feel epic with it’s passing of time and stakes and power play etc.  that movie has too many songs that go on too long, though, so I can’t get through it anymore.

The songs in Frozen are dope as fuck.


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12 years a Slave

Just watched 12 years a slave. it won best picture. the actress Lupita Nyong’o won for best supporting actress and people magazine just declared her the worlds hottest chick, which you can’t really argue, see?

 Lupita Nyong?o

Movies like this, if you aren’t thinking about them the next day, then they’ve failed. And I did think a lot about this movie the next day. Not as much as Braveheart or Titanic, but that’s to be expected. This movie has absolutely zero story crutches to fall back on, tricks to up the intrigue etc. It’s episodic and based on a book that i suspect it’s purpose was to document rather than entertain. it has a ‘then this, then this, then this’ feel, and our main guy Solomon is never in control of what happens which is generally a dramatic no no, all this would be boring if the actors weren’t all freaking ridiculous. Like, the story is guy gets sold to slavery, goes through a bunch of shit and the main intrigue the entire time is when is he gonna get out of it, when is the 12 years up? then he gets free and that’s it. But his character, and his face. Chiwetel Ijiofor is the guys name. He has a super awesome face. This movie succeeds in being interesting and worthwhile for a reason involving him I’ll get to in a sec. And Fassbender, who is getting more and more famous and rightly so, is just ridonk. He’s not a mustache twirling plantaition dandy, he’s very important to the movie’s success, his take on the character and the acting chops he brought to it. He doesn’t flicker his eyes when he’s giving a reaction shot, reading the other actors face, he just gives a dead stare, that’s not the character, that’s fassbender, being a boss. anyway, he’s one of the reasons the movie works .

But 12 years a slave is most interesting because of this idea of making a movie about a man who is never in control of his own fate. He doesn’t control one thing that happens the entire movie. That makes 12 years a slave one of a kind and an interesting dramatical experiment, like maybe it’s almost like a Greek Gods type thing?  I dunno. The focus and intrigue is more just on how Solomon deals with all the shit. His posture changes, so do his tactics. It’s the movies priorities, they are very original and kind of awesome.

Last thing is there are at least two conversations that I can remember that were just really really good. I’m tempted to watch the movie again because the dialogue is all pretty great, the people all have interesting perspective and are saying some pretty interesting things. I think because the movie is structured so simply with this focus on Solomon in spite of his complete lack of power, it’s like an existentialist fable, the filmmakers can shamelessly fit in philosophical, almost shakespearian conversation to the point of being heavy handed, which compliments the subtler elements of the story well. combine all that with the actual filmmaking itself, which my only complaint is that sometimes it’s too good and gets distracting, it’s a pretty one of a kind movie is the best thing I can say about it.

You kinda gotta dig deep to find things about the movie to be enthralled with but I think that is healthy, it actually makes the experience more interactive with a give and take between the viewer and the movie. Movies used to always expect that but things have sort of changed. So i guess i appreciate not being spoon-fed my entertainment. this movie is fun to think about.


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‘Merican Psycho/Hustle


I watched American Hustle, it’s the second ‘American (insert any word here)’ movie that Christian Bale has made. I lasted the whole way through it because I was with my roommate and didn’t want to lose face by absconding to my basement to review text messages from the day.  The end result is he was not offended and I lost two hours of my life.  At least it had a happy ending so I could get all stoked at the end of the movie.  Sad endings suck my nuts and you just can’t trust these ‘based on a true story’ movies with happy endings because of entropy and stuff like that. Nobody dies in this movie, though. I only mention it because that woulda made it better, if everyone would just drop dead.

So the plot of the movie is that Christian Bale and Bradley Cooper want to see who is the best actor so they start yuckin it up but in the end it turns out Amy Adams is prolly better than both of them, well, she’s at least hotter than both of them, at least in this movie, at least in most of the scenes… some of the scenes.  Christian bale is stiff competition for hotness in this movie, he gained like 40 pounds for the role by eating bacon, but his neck is still thinner than his chin so fuck him.  He shoulda pounded some peptides, suppository style.

I feel like parts of this movie were ad-libbed because I think Jennifer Lawrence drops a reference that isn’t supposed to exist yet in the 70‘s: Power Rangers or Ghost Busters or something. If you can spot the ad-libs then they ain’t good ad-libs methinks. Bradley Cooper had the best ad-libs, though, so I guess he wins that battle. I don’t think Christian Bale ad libbed anything, maybe that’s just his style. If he did ad lib something it means he tricked me so good for him that’s a good ad lib. Good job, Christian.

There was one pretty sweet thing about this movie. Christian Bale’s character, he’s a con man and his main dealio is to deny people so they want his services more. He keeps doing that through the entire movie, even when it makes little to no sense. it’s almost like it’s his characters go to reaction, to just be a naysayer. So THEN, at the very end there is a cool payoff with this tactic, because by then you’ve forgotten that that’s what he’s all about and instead you just annoyed at all his naysaying. And this will be the final straw of naysaying, you think. but no, he’s playing some fool out of nowhere like a champ. Happy ending.

The thing about con movies and heist movies is that they usually build to a cool climax, but the whole movie building up to it is stupid as fuck. That is also the case with American Hustle.

In conclusion I hate the 70‘s.  I’ve done lots of cross referencing to isolate variables in a complicated situation and concluded objectively that the 70’s suck my nuts.  Better than Travers.


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